Day 26: Have you ever though about giving up on life

Yes. But that was a long time ago.

I was an awkward middle school student. My mother and I weren't getting along. It seemed like everyone in my life was changing (and I didn't feel the same either). My life felt pointless and insignificant, and in some ways, I felt my existence did more harm than good. So I thought - why not end it? I had heard of suicide pacts and there was something . . . romantic about them (provided you don't have a strong grasp on reality).

Luckily, however, teachers seem to figure out the need to address this issue. After several classes, lectures, and workshops - I realized the permanence of the action compared to the temporal nature of my problems. I still have moments where I don't feel as though I truly matter, but those moments should give me resolve to be a better person, rather than give up.

Also, I found an amazing book - After the Death of Anna Gonzales - which contains 30-something poems expressing the thoughts of characters after Anna has committed suicide. It's well-written, relatable, honest, and balanced. Here's one of my favorites from it:

Jordan Smythe

Once I had this jigsaw puzzle.

I worked on it every day.

It was the hardest thing I’d ever done,

But I finally got it all finished

Except for one piece,

Which was missing.

I looked for it everywhere,

Under my bed, behind the table, in the closet,

But the piece was just gone.

Pretty soon, when I looked at the puzzle

All I could see

Was the missing piece.

So I threw the whole thing away.

All my hard work, all my effort tossed in the garbage.

The next week I found the missing piece

But, of course, I no longer had the puzzle.

So why am I thinking about this puzzle today

When I hear about Anna Gonzales’s suicide?

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s one of those metaphor things.

Clearly, the audience intended to be young adults, but I still find these words a great reminder of how small our perspective can often be.

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your perspective on something

I'm tempted to make a list rather than pick a single book. It seems like everything I've read has changed my perspective to some degree. Whenever I open my mind to someone else's line of thinking, I realize just how limited my thoughts can be. 

But even though the books I could list are many, I've decided to go with the most recent. I just read The Invisible Gorrilla: And Other Ways Our Intuitions Deceive Us by Christopher Chabis and Daniel Simons. It's based on a fairly well known study regarding our perceptions, and I've included a youtube video of the version I like the best (it works even if you've seen the original). Feel free to watch it before I bias you towards it's contents.

The study and the book demonstrate the ways common illusions can manipulate our ability to see the world accurately. We are biased by what we expect will be, mislead by what we think we will remember, overconfident in our abilities and in our knowledge, incorrect in judging cause and effect, and too often distracted by potential. What I'm trying to say is there was a lot to digest. It's a book to make you second-guess yourself (which I thought I was already prone to, but now I'm not so sure). Judgment is too often clouded by desire and familiarity and blind acceptance.

The Invisible Gorilla is both fascinating and enlightening. More than once I have thought about how easily my senses are mislead and misinterpreted by my own mind. I wonder if I've been giving the world funny looks lately. Also, it's case studies remind me of reading Malcolm Gladwell's books (which I love and recommend). Ultimately, this book is for anyone who believes too strongly in the power of intuition.

Hmmm, now that I think about it Blink by Gladwell actually argues for the opposite concept (i.e. trusting your gut reactions). I wonder what he would think of this book.

Day 14: Officially Skipped

I admire people, it's true, but I've had no "heroes" to speak of. People are fallible; I learned that at a young age. So I can't tell you about a hero letting me down. Instead, I will share a book I read recently (because it was delightful).

I didn't read any great literary works this week. I ignored Shakespeare, Dickens, Hawthorne, Austen, Dostoevsky, and the like. Sure, I currently have library books entitled Death in Venice, The Fountainhead, Age of Innocence, and All the Pretty Horses, but no, I have not read them.

This week I opted for humor.

It all started when I asked a friend for a book fitting 3 qualifications:

1) it was written by a female
2) it was NOT chick lit
3) it was not Age of Innocence (because that's already on my list)

She thought about it for a day or two and then sent me here.

After reading the first essay online, I was hooked and decided I didn't care that it was old news (printed over two years ago!), so I traveled to the library and checked it out. I carried it around with me for several days, reading its pages and a laughing at it contents - often eliciting inquiries from those nearby.

I could tell you she's witty, keenly observant, audacious, etc., but I'd rather just include a few of my favorite jokes from the book.

It is my belief that people who speak of high school with a sugary fondness are bluffing away early-onset Alzheimer's.

. . . ten-year-olds of the world, you shouldn't believe what your teachers tell you about the beauty and specialness and uniqueness of you. Or, believe it, little snowflake, but know it won't make a bit of difference until after puberty. It's Newton's lost law: anything that makes you unique later will get your chocolate milk stolen and your eye blackened as a kid. Won't it, Sebastian? Oh, yes, it will, my little Mandarin Chinese-learning, Poe-reciting, high-top-wearing friend. God bless you, wherever you are.

What annoyed me was that I so often attempted to weasel out of things on purpose, it killed me to do it by accident. It seemed like a waste of whatever detailed lie I was going to have to come up with. 

I thought we had reached an understanding, the institution of marriage and I. Weddings are like the triathlon of female friendship: the Shower, the Bachelorette Party, and the Main Event. It's the Iron Woman and most people never make it through. They fall off their bikes and choke on ocean water.