Taking action

I am not the kind of person others are drawn to - nor do I want them to be drawn. I have never felt comfortable putting myself out there (wherever "there" is). I dislike direct attention, and have no idea how to respond to a compliment. And yet, I do desire to be ... noticed. I want people to recognize my abilities without my intersession.

I don't understand the reasons, but even when I don't volunteer, I'm stupidly disappointed if people don't ask me to help. For example, throughout high school and college, teachers would ask for people to read things aloud. When the question was posed, a little voice inside me yelled "Pick me! Pick ME!" Of course, if you were to look my direction, you would see a girl with eyes cast downward and an expression too seemingly distant to want to read - let alone to have heard the request. All my outward behavior would tell you to pick someone else, but when you do - I (or the nerd in me) will feel a twinge of sadness.

I hate this tendency. I should be able to act without waiting for someone's cue. Sometimes people are too proud to ask, so how can I help when I am to proud to offer? I've accused many attention-starved individuals of being proud/egotistical, but here is an example of it in my life. Pride motivates my actions. It's almost worse than those ostentatious people because I not only want you to notice me, I want you see me without any prompting on my part. I think I am also trying to protect myself against blame. If I do poorly, I can always fall back on "well, you asked me for help." My reliance on the support of others is embarrassing.

If you haven't been to despair.com yet- go now!

After these ponderings, I make three resolutions. 1) I will muster up my courage more often and volunteer to help alleviate the needs of those around me. 2) I will no longer be annoyed by people who are always jumping to the center of attention, but rather smile at their natural boldness. 3) I will look for those like myself, and nudge them toward action.