27 October 2010

Day 26: Have you ever though about giving up on life

Yes. But that was a long time ago.

I was an awkward middle school student. My mother and I weren't getting along. It seemed like everyone in my life was changing (and I didn't feel the same either). My life felt pointless and insignificant, and in some ways, I felt my existence did more harm than good. So I thought - why not end it? I had heard of suicide pacts and there was something . . . romantic about them (provided you don't have a strong grasp on reality).

Luckily, however, teachers seem to figure out the need to address this issue. After several classes, lectures, and workshops - I realized the permanence of the action compared to the temporal nature of my problems. I still have moments where I don't feel as though I truly matter, but those moments should give me resolve to be a better person, rather than give up.

Also, I found an amazing book - After the Death of Anna Gonzales - which contains 30-something poems expressing the thoughts of characters after Anna has committed suicide. It's well-written, relatable, honest, and balanced. Here's one of my favorites from it:

Jordan Smythe

Once I had this jigsaw puzzle.
I worked on it every day.
It was the hardest thing I’d ever done,
But I finally got it all finished
Except for one piece,
Which was missing.
I looked for it everywhere,
Under my bed, behind the table, in the closet,
But the piece was just gone.
Pretty soon, when I looked at the puzzle
All I could see
Was the missing piece.
So I threw the whole thing away.
All my hard work, all my effort tossed in the garbage.
The next week I found the missing piece
But, of course, I no longer had the puzzle.

So why am I thinking about this puzzle today
When I hear about Anna Gonzales’s suicide?

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s one of those metaphor things.

Clearly, the audience intended to be young adults, but I still find these words a great reminder of how small our perspective can often be.

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