20 October 2010

Days like these . . .

A few days ago my mom had a PET scan come back clean - for the first time in five years. It was kind of a big deal. I hadn't realized how tense I was until I heard something allowing me to release that tension. It felt good. We told everyone. Everyone was relieved. We went about hugging everyone we met - even if we didn't particularly like hugs.

But a couple days ago my mom insisted they check out a bump on her leg - a tiny thing that we didn't think would matter. Today they told us there were cancer cells in it. The supposedly all-knowing PET scan had missed them. Days like these, I hate the concept of false hope. After five years of surgeries, treatments, and doctor visits, we wanted some good news. But we wanted that news to be true. This weekend was great, but today hurts more than the first day we learned she had cancer.

So, even though I'm supposed to write about my religious and political beliefs, they don't seem all that important. I hope you'll forgive me. Days like these, I don't care about the latest attack ad or what our incumbents say they'll do this next term. I don't care about what label I've adopted regarding my faith in God.

Days like these, I want to go for a long walk with a bunch for 50's crooner music playing in my ears. I want to watch an old movie with lines I can say in unison with the actors. I want to read a book set in a completely different time period - maybe even universe.

Days like these, I look up youtube videos of squirrels, kittens, and puppies (don't judge me). I open my Bible to my favorite Psalms. I write emo poetry (and apparently emo blog posts). I hold back tears and look for things to smile about, laugh about, and talk about. I remember quotes like "Hard is hard. It's not bad; it's not impossible. It's just hard." I reflect on the things I am blessed with, but take for granted.

Days like these, I'm glad I find writing cathartic.

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