I was surprised by how quickly I thought of someone I once tried to hold on to for too long. So even though I never intended to discuss boyfriends, here it is. The story of the ex-boyfriend. Yes, I have had only one significant romantic relationship. I like that. I don't want to date dozens of guys before I find the right one. I'm not good at dating anyway. But all that is beside the point. Whenever I talk about relationship-oriented things I tend to follow several rabbit trails. Be prepared. (If you're not interested, stop reading now and come back tomorrow)
I started dating him despite several reservations. He was immature, he was just as (if not more) insecure than I was, he wasn't a reader, and he wasn't musical. Not even a little bit. He tried singing to me once. It was awful. I'm uncomfortable when being sung to in general (see happy birthday and other related tunes), but when someone is sitting in the back of a car singing a mushy country song off-key and making googly eyes at you throughout . . . yeah, that's the definition of awkward.
Anyway, I had the naive notion that love, should it develop, would conquer all these undesirable traits. Either I would someday find his off-key romancing cute, or he would learn to stop. The trouble started, however, when he wanted to say those 3 magical words or as he said: "upgrade the 'l' word" that we are already been putting "really" in front of (I put in quotes were he indicated with his fingers). Before I make him sound completely ridiculous I should also say he was hilarious, fun to be around, sweet, sincere, and all-around a great guy. Still is, as far as his facebook page seems to indicate. (Yeah, we're still friends.)
At any rate, because I realized he thought he was in love - although further conversation revealed our true stage was the I-love-spending-time-with-you part of a relationship, but I didn't wish to argue semantics - so after he said "I love you," I followed suit. In other words, I lied. For 6 more months I kept on lying until I almost believed the words myself. When I looked at the future, he was in it. I grew attached to our relationship. I was comfortable in it.
Then, he figured out he didn't love me. He didn't tell me, however, he just started drifting away. We drifted for a month before a mini-argument prompted a talk about our relationship. That day, I wanted to hang on. I didn't want to let go, because I didn't want to fail at something so huge. I had grown accustomed to a world with him in it, and I didn't want to lose it. In the end, we decided to take a step back (it was right before finals - we didn't want the pressure) and act more like friends for a while. It was another month before we officially severed the knot. At that time I was ready and he was dragging his feet. We both knew we weren't right for one another, but there is something about ending a relationship you've put so much into that makes things difficult.
It was hard to let go, but it was right.
I can relate SO MUCH to everything in this post. I recently (in January, but it feels more recent than that) broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, who was my only serious relationship. And it was extremely difficult. Just like you said, I had grown accustomed to picturing a future with him in it, and the thought of readjusting to anything else seemed impossible. We did the very same thing, first just took a "step back" and went on a "break." But the longer we've been apart, God's shown me that it was the right decision and that he had been trying to tell me that all throughout our relationship, I just didn't want to listen.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I love your blog. Thanks for sharing. :)