15 October 2010

Day 14: Officially Skipped

I admire people, it's true, but I've had no "heroes" to speak of. People are fallible; I learned that at a young age. So I can't tell you about a hero letting me down. Instead, I will share a book I read recently (because it was delightful).

I didn't read any great literary works this week. I ignored Shakespeare, Dickens, Hawthorne, Austen, Dostoevsky, and the like. Sure, I currently have library books entitled Death in Venice, The Fountainhead, Age of Innocence, and All the Pretty Horses, but no, I have not read them.

This week I opted for humor.

It all started when I asked a friend for a book fitting 3 qualifications:

1) it was written by a female
2) it was NOT chick lit
3) it was not Age of Innocence (because that's already on my list)

She thought about it for a day or two and then sent me here.

After reading the first essay online, I was hooked and decided I didn't care that it was old news (printed over two years ago!), so I traveled to the library and checked it out. I carried it around with me for several days, reading its pages and a laughing at it contents - often eliciting inquiries from those nearby.

I could tell you she's witty, keenly observant, audacious, etc., but I'd rather just include a few of my favorite jokes from the book.

It is my belief that people who speak of high school with a sugary fondness are bluffing away early-onset Alzheimer's.

. . . ten-year-olds of the world, you shouldn't believe what your teachers tell you about the beauty and specialness and uniqueness of you. Or, believe it, little snowflake, but know it won't make a bit of difference until after puberty. It's Newton's lost law: anything that makes you unique later will get your chocolate milk stolen and your eye blackened as a kid. Won't it, Sebastian? Oh, yes, it will, my little Mandarin Chinese-learning, Poe-reciting, high-top-wearing friend. God bless you, wherever you are.

What annoyed me was that I so often attempted to weasel out of things on purpose, it killed me to do it by accident. It seemed like a waste of whatever detailed lie I was going to have to come up with. 

I thought we had reached an understanding, the institution of marriage and I. Weddings are like the triathlon of female friendship: the Shower, the Bachelorette Party, and the Main Event. It's the Iron Woman and most people never make it through. They fall off their bikes and choke on ocean water.

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