Sometimes I wish I had made some horrible mistake in my life. Something like playing with matches and setting my room aflame. Or maybe not paying enough attention to my little sister and letter her get lost at a park. Or not checking under the car before leaving and ending some poor kitten's life. It would sure make answering this question easier. (I am, however, grateful I don't have a burden like that to carry - especially the cat thing.)
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| Sorry about the cat picture - it won't happen often, I promise. |
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But no. My mistakes are small. Innumerable to be sure, but rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things. A single error simply won't surface. Of course, that might also be because I am constantly dwelling on the failures of my past. I still lie awake at night considering the lies I told in grade school, the homework I cheated on in high school, and the unkind words I've spoken to loved ones throughout my life. Everything I did, but wish I didn't
and everything I didn't do, but wish I had is clouding my thoughts so none are readily distinguishable from another.
I've never thought about forgiving myself, because I've seen no value in it. I prefer . . . ruminating over my decisions (especially the poor ones) and trying to make reminders for my future self. "Remember how awful you feel right now the next time you decide to eat McDonald's." I won't be making that mistake again.
I suppose, however, it is time I let go of a few things. Maybe all the regrets I have from a failed relationship. Maybe those sarcastic comments I wish I hadn't said. Maybe there are a lot things I shouldn't be holding onto. One rock isn't too heavy, but I wouldn't want to carry around a backpack filled with them. Perhaps I need to start forgiving the little things.
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